Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
