I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
