Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
