yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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