I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
