i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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