i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
