saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
