you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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