Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
