i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
