Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
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Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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