How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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