I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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