i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
