My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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