im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
