I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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