I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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