where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
