I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
