I showed him my bush... on skype.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You ruined the universe
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
