She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
