the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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