you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
