It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
