Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Holy sore nipples Batman
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
