God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
