Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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