ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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