hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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