If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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