I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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