"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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