i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
