I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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