i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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