last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
false alarm, still single
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