im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
