[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
