Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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