i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
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I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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