My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This baby is an asshole
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize