She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
