can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
