booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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