If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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