Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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