Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
