i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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