I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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