I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
