Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
