my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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