So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
false alarm. still invincible.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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