Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
