Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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