Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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