i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
