last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
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and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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